Take a look at me. The Secret History of Liza Dyakonova

I felt depressed, destroyed... The hours had passed - I didn’t notice. Late in the evening I raised my head, looked at the icon, wanted to kneel before it but... I just couldn’t. My faith seemed to be shrouded in a thick fog, behind which it disappeared... and so I went to bed. My hand did not make its accustomed movement - the sign of the cross... Everything seemed to be frozen inside of me... The next day I got up, asking myself the same question; No matter what I was doing, it followed me everywhere; it seemed to me that not only my existance was meaningless, but even moreso - the existence of others. And so went on for all these days.She tried to prepare for classes and... she couldn’t.Why should I care about all these boyars, okolnichy, Duma clerks? And, collapsing face down over the desk, I cried bitter, uncontrollable tears... and I was not ashamed of my tears... I was alone and desperate, no one saw me... And who could help me?!And yet she was a woman! Her St. Petersburgian horror differed from Tolstoy's in its lack of selfishness. It was not her own death that frightened her (and why would she be afraid if “I” is immortal?), but the death of all humanity - all of this grandiose God’s “hosehold” will simply disappear when the only “light bulb”, the only “battery” goes out. In other words, when the Sun cools down. Everything was so terribly stupid!After the Arzamas horror, Tolstoy underwent a spiritual overturn, and therefore he entered on the path of Religion. That was quite reasonable. But something completely opposite happened to Dyakonova. All her previous life she was a religious girl from Yaroslavl - and suddenly, even though she didn't immediately become an inveterate atheist, at the very least she started to seriously doubt everything she believed in - to doubt her very own faith. And she wouldn't stop there - she no longer could. So, why did it happen?…